Saturday, March 24, 2007

Reality and Dreams

My week was alright; I barely worked, had two days off. For some reason, I was depressed this week. I'm the type of person who will smile half-heartedly, do things sin ganas, just do it, because it's gotta be done. Slip into dark thoughts, just because I can...

Call it hormones, pressure from two people I love dearly in my life, boredom from not working, maybe disappointment because there is not a job opening in my field yet, desire to sleep, realization that I've gained weight and my clothes are getting snug around the waist. I had to seriously change my capri pants earlier and put on stretchable material, like what's going on? I felt better though when I talked to my good friend, Maria. She told me that I will lose the weight, because during the winter we usually are not that active, but during the summer, we move around more, so I should lose it. Yay! I did exercise with my new exercise ball, stretching and feeling my muscles ache, as if saying, about time you use me!

I did take one of my final tests required by the State for my certification; it was actually easy - praise God! I did get tense though and feel the anxiety; I torture myself with worry. I did get a new Ana Castillo book to read that I am already enjoying!

I did feel myself crying a lot... I try not to whine on here, confide in God, my friends, pour out in words. There for awhile, some of you know, I was real ecstatic about becoming Catholic, feeling like there is where I belong! God, I feel you right here, in my heart, a light is forming! A hunger and thirst was born for more knowledge of Catholicism. Not because Tony, el amor de mi vida, is Catholic!!

Why do people around me like mi familia think that? Think that I have changed myself for Tony, because he is a Mexican man who can control me and manipulate me. Why people gotta think that way? Put me down so much, that I start hitting this rock bottom point where I'm falling backwards and landing on cold hard stones that press on my back, then when I try to get up, I start stumbling on rocks and find myself falling again. So, I turn to prayer, the Psalms & Proverbs - my favorite books in the Bible. And, I light candles.. Episodes of confusion occur, and I don't even know how to express it myself, and Tony gets mad, hurt, upset, (I can hear it so clearly in his cold tone of voice) because he thinks I'm not being honest. No, that's not it. Please Tony, just hold me and let me cry, and tell me over and over how much you love me, and it's going to get better, because God is on our side, right?

I just don't know how praising God and growing closer to Him, can be so wrong because my mom is constantly throwing rude remarks about how much she dislikes the Catholic Church, and they are all hypocrites, according to her, etc etc etc. It's like who do I serve? You know what I mean? I have such a bad mouth that I quote scripture to her, remind her, God is the true judge, who do you think you are? I don't feel the Holy Spirit at the Baptist church anymore, sometimes I do, but it's so much stronger @ the Catholic Church! That's just me, that's what I feel.

Then she proceeds with the lecture about there being one God, and it's about God, not religion, so I should go to any church and understand God.

-Ok, then why you wanna say I can't go to the Catholic Church? Huh? What's the difference?
Regardless, I have a Blessed Mother in Heaven, who I have started praying for intercession, very powerful when I do. This picture on the right, gave me so much hope and comfort to see. The artist name is Ricardo Hernandez, and his site is linked on the side. Such clear beauty that speaks straight to my heart.

I don't know... the other day, Tony's padrino talked to me, and told me I was old enough to make the decision myself, and make sure I was doing it for myself. He called me a liberal woman. Smile. Yeah, like I'm going to give in like that and submit to the man; I don't think so. I'm thankful to have an older wiser person talk to me on a spiritual level like that; I have no one else. I don't even have a pastor/priest that I can sit down with and cry my heart out, then feel comforting prayer. That's the reality of my life... what I've really been feeling - in spirit.

Now for my dreams...they reveal things to me. I know I'm too old for nightmares, but I have nightmares still sometimes. I had to look up a bunch of religious remedies/prayers/rituals to prevent them from happening, so I could get a good nite's rest. Thank God they have slowed down some.

Other dreams I've had - three dealing with engagement/marriage. 1) choosing the rings - big sparkly diamonds- *note, I don't even like those big diamonds - call me crazy, but I am not that materialistic, and I fell in love with a marquise shaped diamond from Kay Jewelers, even went over there and tried it on in real life (now, that is crazy?)* 2) shopping for a wedding dress and not finding my size - they were all size six, but then I was in a little bitty boutique 3) THE CRAZIEST DREAM - the wedding day, and I couldn't find my dress! My mom had handed me this ugly blue dress that was hideous, because we couldn't find my real big poofy dress. I don't even like big poofy dresses because I got big hips, and I don't want them to look bigger! the whole time in the dream, I was worried about Tony waiting for me at the altar! Other dreams - Thursday night, this was weird... I dreamed I was a ghost. I had died; I don't know how, but came back as a ghost, and I felt this amazing lightness airy feeling, and I was floating...around the mall, going to Dillard's! I was also looking for my friend, Ralph, who I feel I have a real strong soul connection with. So I was a ghost, floating around the Mall, haha - I hope you're finding some humor! Hehehe!

Then last night, I dreamed Tony had quit his good job @ HEB to go flip burgers at McDonald's for $6/hr, and I was so pissed at him! 1st of all, Tony doesn't even like food service, absolutely hates it. 2nd - for $6/hr, and 3rd - he doesn't even like McDonald's that much, so why would he work there? My 14 year old cousin was me, too and we were going to eat Big Macs, when I spotted Tony in a McDonald's uniform.
I woke up, like so relieved that it was just a dream! I'm telling you, I had a crazy week, I hope this next one is better!


服從到只一 A.K.A: Sugar Cat said...

" Why do people around me like mi familia think that? Think that I have changed myself for Tony, because he is a Mexican man who can control me and manipulate me."

You have to remember from my post in Journy to a new beginning the section on Values:

Your value system will guide you as you turn your life around. We learn values from others, and others support us by enforcing values. Stay close to people who share your values; stay away from those who don't.

Your mom and family means well in their eyes, it's probably hard for her and your family to see her daughter, sister, cousin... going through such a major life transformation according to their own beliefs. Being hispanic myself, I know... I'm 45 (soon to be 46 - WOW!! one more week) and I still get lectured by my mother, brothers and sister. They mean well, but come right down to it...

You are old enough to make the decision yourself, and make sure that you are doing it for yourself."

You say you quote scripture to your mom... think of this:

Train up a child in the way he should go,and when he is old he will not depart from it.

1. Judaism and Christianity. Bible, Proverbs 22.6

My complete respect to your mom and your family as they only want the best for you, but I also have a (soon to be ) 20 year old daughter and even though I don't agree with alot of what she is doing in her life, I have to keep remembering that I have done all I could, to bring her up right and have confidence that she will follow what was tought to her. Plus leaving her in Gods hands.

As for the weight... Don't give up, even I fall on many occasions. I lost 45 - 50 lbs on Atkins in 2003 and I have been able to maintain well, but here of late, with all the stress with moving, I've gained 13 lbs back... and what did I have for dinner last night you ask....?

Two Chili Cheese Coneys and Chili and Cheese Fries!!! That my dear is definitely NOT on the Induction Atkins Diet. ;) I just have to smile, thank God for the opportunity to even have a meal and start all over again the next day.

You are not alone... You are in my thoughts on many occasions.

retroChyld said...

I feel your flight. Sometimes though, we have to step away from the opinions of our family and friends to make decisions in the best interest of who we are. Don't allow the moment to keep you down, continue to do whats best for you.

Much blessing to you.

ShoeGirl said...

Hola! Where have you been? Miss you!

mexicanmasala said...

I love your blog! I'm Latina and always looking for other Latinas. We have a lot in common, from what I can tell.