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I am lifted right now. Last night was tough. I had a good cry - I'm only human. AND, I'm a Cancer sign, emotional. Had to let out. Two wonderful - super GREAT - (did I just overdo w/ it adjectives?) things happened today - God is working. He's anwering my prayers, sending me signs. 1) Great Awesome Thing that Happened TodayThis woman came by the office today; I visited with her, being my usual social self. She started telling me how she had battled cancer. If you read my previous post, you'll know I was hating on cancer last night. She talked about her treatments and tests and how the cancer kept coming back. Then, they found some in her lung, and the doctors said it was too advanced - they wouldn't be able to do anything for her. Like a strong Christian, she PRAYED. Weeks later, the final test revealed - no more cancer. Just disappeared - no longer there. She pointed up and said, "You know who was working." Reminded me of that old Spanish hymm ~Solamente la mano de Dios~ Some of you may know this song, it means "only the hand of God." I love this song; it felt good to be reminded of this song. ~ felt good to be reminded me of God's grace;~ felt good to be reminded me of God's strength.... I said a silent prayer to God - for my uncle. I like to see people - no matter what background - people who have been through trials and tribulations and turned out alright. It's inspiring, it really is. Reminds me that we may fall, but we get right back up. I try my best to portray this in my writing...2) Great Awesome Thing that Happened Today I received a txt message from R!!! He's doing okay; he's in school, taking the necessary courses for his job. Good little boy. Hehehehe! R is far from a good little boy. He's been naughty, gonna make me discipline him next time. Making me worry about him like that! I swear, I LOVE that man so much! He's pushing my buttons here, making me want to throw my arms around him and kiss him next time I see him. Naaaaah, I don't think that will happen; we are in our "comfortable FRIENDS zone." But, I am definitely gonna hug him tightly. I miss him, can't wait till our phone convo. tonight. :) I'm back to my usual bubbly self, praying and thanking God. He's here surrounding me....
In a short story I wrote, I called cancer - a poison that took members of my family till their bodies finally weakened and collapsed. I remember my grandma Julia passing away - the way her body withered away, growing weaker and weaker. I was only four years old when God lifted her up to Heaven, but the images are still vivid in my mind. I hated that word, didn't dare to whisper it. I knew what that word meant: death. That's what I associated cancer with, after seeing it, grab and weaken - merciless. We never forget our first experiences; they are forever branded on our memory. We can change our beliefs though.
In 2001, Mama was ill. My senior year in high school. I was busy, as my life as always been busy. I was trying to get into college, trying to find scholarships, and trying my best to be there for her. Hold her hand as her body felt cold and warm with fever. The doctors kept saying that word over and over. "We think she has cancer, maybe leukemia." There it was that deadly word and there it came: determination and refusal to believe it. NO! She does not have cancer. Stop lying you stupid doctors. You don't know my mama; she's a fighter. The pain and distress I experienced during that Fall season. The leaves rustled and changed colors as Mama stayed in the hospital, not growing stronger, enduring more and more tests that only made her feel sicker. The last test would tell us the answer we dreaded. "One more test and we'll know for sure." The oncologist said in his thick accent. I squeezed her hand, standing there - waiting and praying. Praying till my head ached and my ears yearned to hear. The results came back: NO CANCER. Relief washed over me as I thanked God. A warm refreshing shower of relief.
Cancer visited my family again. 2003. My bro. The sibling who I am closest to. He is the oldest and I am the youngest. We have a strong bond. I stood there in the waiting room, shaking with coldness and letting the tears stream down my cheeks. Everyone was crying; I was slipping into shock with the warm tears moving and no other part of my body moving. Just standing there, hearing the doctor's words echo. The chemo treatments began; Mama grew angry @ God, screaming "how could you let this happen to mijo?" I held myself together, praying and reaching for God. He was there, comforting us. Although we did not always "feel" God there, I knew He was there, presenting to us a trial in life. As life is full of trials and tribulations. Cancer breathed another word into my mind: LIFE. Hold onto LIFE. Don't weaken; Don't stop living. Determination. PRAY. Prayer and Patience as I repeat to myself over and over, convincing myself to find the comfort in prayer. After the trial of Cancer's tug on my bro, he entered remission after about a year and half. Wanting to preach @ church, dedicating his life to our Lord Jesus Christ. There are miracles, we believed.
I saw cancer again today, this evening. I should have been more prepared. I knew my favorite uncle had been having cancer treatments; I should've remembered he had lost all his hair. I was not prepared when he opened the front door. Good thing I had my big sunglasses on because I did not want him to see the big heavy tears that filled my eyes. I gave him a hug with an extra squeeze. We talked and visited and he's still the same favorite uncle of mine. Bachelor. Muscular and in shape. I ignored the jaundice coloring of his skin and the absent hair on his eyebrows and head. I swallowed my tears and continued talking to him. He kept asking questions; that's my Uncle Angel - forever full of questions. He told me how proud he was of me, reminding me that I'm the role model for his fifteen year old daughter. He left to go run errands and I stayed inside his house, straightening up -adding a Woman's Touch as my mama would say. I washed the dishes that cluttered the counter tops. I wiped the table till it shone and swept the floor. I stopped at the refrigerator, recognzing all the healthy foods. Bowls of fruit. Gatorade. Wheat bread. Low fat yogurt. Quite the healthy eater, Uncle Angel has always been. I looked at the stainless steel refrigerator again and saw Grandma Julia's photo smiling back. It hit me again - how cancer had taken her from me, leaving me with little memories of her. I blinked away tears. I remembered her song, how she would sing to me. Dedicated Catholic she was, I remember her singing in church with Grandpa, lifting her hands to praise God. I prayed then. For my Uncle Angel. I prayed and prayed. I wanted to cry, release. I looked at my watch and realized I had seven minutes to get to class...........
The thoughts stayed in my mind. We talked in class, discussed Greek philosophy - one of my favorite topics. I was fine until we started talking about virtue, soul, and death. I got distracted. It was so hard for me to concentrate, smile, or giggle at the professor's jokes. I started to think again about my tio. I promised to stay in touch. I promised myself to pray. I promise to be there for him. I remember miracles; I remember Hope with her gentle touch...
Everyone around me tells me that I'm so strong; I manage to keep a smile, despite the stress in my life. Just yesterday a co-worker patted my hand after I'd talked about some frustrations and told me that she admired how well I was holding up. I thanked her, but inside thanked God for granting me the strength to continue. I've had drama lately. Not just the hurricane, but other issues like my worrying for a special friend, interior emotions. When I don't blog for a few days, that's why. I do not like to focus on the negative things in life. I don't even like to mention them in real life.
Life's too short. I've realized though that Life's not a rose garden. Mama taught me that. There are the good and bad things to record. I wanted to talk to someone tonight. Distract my mind. Release my thoughts. Cry some. Just talk. I pressed send to nearly every contact in my contact list on my cellie and no answer. I have trouble admiting this, but there are times that I actually NEED to talk to someone. Actually talk instead of being the patient listening ear. I have my share of talking - don't get me wrong. But I am talking about release - this is what I'm feeling and it doesn't feel good, which I don't normally do. I scrolled down my contacts, repeatedly hitting send. The network was messing up, kept getting silence on the other end. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. Finally, my bro returned my call. He cheered me up a little with his sarcasm; I didn't want to mention I was worried about my tio. I could tell my bro was tired afer a minute or two so I pressed end after bidding a quick good-bye.
Here is somewhere to release, someone may not listen, but someone will read...
There are those times that a laugh escapes my mouth
because my middle name is Joy - I'm supposed to be bright ...
but There are also those times that a tears trickles down my cheek.
All My Fellow Bloggers: I'm BACK! Thankful and extremely grateful that I'm back in the office, working. Starting my week off, here getting back on schedule. Y'all know the usual - my 3 jobs - work, school (UHV part-time job), and volunteer work. I have a busy week here. Last week, was CRAZY. I was worried, scared, a total twisted mixture of emotions. I've never been through a hurricane, and when they kept saying she was going to hit, right where I live, nombre, I about lost it. Took that little vacation because of Rita, but I wouldn't call it a vacation because it was far from it. At least we didn't have 12 hours of traffic like the evacuees in Houston; we were only in traffic for 6 1/2 hours close to 7, trying to hunt down hotels. Finally, we ended up just west of Corpus - further inland. The hotel stay was horrible; the bed felt like plywood. There were drunk people outside, partying like the hurricane is something to celebrate! Playing music full blast, could hardly sleep. THEN, on Thursday night as I watching the news, a sick feeling entering my stomach; I started to worry about R. He works on oil rigs and ships out in the Gulf; I know he was out there working early last week b/c he called me and told me. He txts me early Thursday morning, telling me to evacuate. HE was worried about me! Then, Thursday night as I am watching winds and rain destroy an oil rig in the Gulf...tears are running down my face. I'm tense and worried, talking to a few of my friends through txt messaging, but still worrying. I took my eyes away from the news and all that drama and watched a movie. I watched some great movies during the flee from Rita; I read some of my friendship/romance story about R and I. I wrote 1500 words in 30 minutes. They just came out of my fingers into the keys of my laptop, fast and quick. I found some therapy in writing as I normally do. Added a whole another scene to that great novel I am gonna publish some day. I am still worrying a bit about R. I care about him so much. I love him in that unconditional - I don't care how you are - I love you just the same - way. The way I love all my dear friends with their sarcasm, criticism, and short tempers. Despite all the imperfections, I love him. That's how great my love is for him. I've prayed, reminding myself of "prayer and patience." Wondering at the same time where mine was as I drove myself insane with worry. It would be a lie to say that I am a LOT better now because I'm not. I've called R's cell phone, and all I get is the voicemail. I've calmed my nerves; I am no longer shaking with anxiety. I'm thankful and grateful that our home is safe, hardly any damage at all; at the same time, I feel bad for the people who have lost their homes, etc. Those people in Louisiana.I'm BACK; I'm gonna slip back into my routine of work and school and a little fun in between......
