Reality and Dreams

My week was alright; I barely worked, had two days off. For some reason, I was depressed this week. I'm the type of person who will smile half-heartedly, do things sin ganas, just do it, because it's gotta be done. Slip into dark thoughts, just because I can...

Call it hormones, pressure from two people I love dearly in my life, boredom from not working, maybe disappointment because there is not a job opening in my field yet, desire to sleep, realization that I've gained weight and my clothes are getting snug around the waist. I had to seriously change my capri pants earlier and put on stretchable material, like what's going on? I felt better though when I talked to my good friend, Maria. She told me that I will lose the weight, because during the winter we usually are not that active, but during the summer, we move around more, so I should lose it. Yay! I did exercise with my new exercise ball, stretching and feeling my muscles ache, as if saying, about time you use me!

I did take one of my final tests required by the State for my certification; it was actually easy - praise God! I did get tense though and feel the anxiety; I torture myself with worry. I did get a new Ana Castillo book to read that I am already enjoying!

I did feel myself crying a lot... I try not to whine on here, confide in God, my friends, pour out in words. There for awhile, some of you know, I was real ecstatic about becoming Catholic, feeling like there is where I belong! God, I feel you right here, in my heart, a light is forming! A hunger and thirst was born for more knowledge of Catholicism. Not because Tony, el amor de mi vida, is Catholic!!

Why do people around me like mi familia think that? Think that I have changed myself for Tony, because he is a Mexican man who can control me and manipulate me. Why people gotta think that way? Put me down so much, that I start hitting this rock bottom point where I'm falling backwards and landing on cold hard stones that press on my back, then when I try to get up, I start stumbling on rocks and find myself falling again. So, I turn to prayer, the Psalms & Proverbs - my favorite books in the Bible. And, I light candles.. Episodes of confusion occur, and I don't even know how to express it myself, and Tony gets mad, hurt, upset, (I can hear it so clearly in his cold tone of voice) because he thinks I'm not being honest. No, that's not it. Please Tony, just hold me and let me cry, and tell me over and over how much you love me, and it's going to get better, because God is on our side, right?

I just don't know how praising God and growing closer to Him, can be so wrong because my mom is constantly throwing rude remarks about how much she dislikes the Catholic Church, and they are all hypocrites, according to her, etc etc etc. It's like who do I serve? You know what I mean? I have such a bad mouth that I quote scripture to her, remind her, God is the true judge, who do you think you are? I don't feel the Holy Spirit at the Baptist church anymore, sometimes I do, but it's so much stronger @ the Catholic Church! That's just me, that's what I feel.

Then she proceeds with the lecture about there being one God, and it's about God, not religion, so I should go to any church and understand God.

-Ok, then why you wanna say I can't go to the Catholic Church? Huh? What's the difference?
Regardless, I have a Blessed Mother in Heaven, who I have started praying for intercession, very powerful when I do. This picture on the right, gave me so much hope and comfort to see. The artist name is Ricardo Hernandez, and his site is linked on the side. Such clear beauty that speaks straight to my heart.

I don't know... the other day, Tony's padrino talked to me, and told me I was old enough to make the decision myself, and make sure I was doing it for myself. He called me a liberal woman. Smile. Yeah, like I'm going to give in like that and submit to the man; I don't think so. I'm thankful to have an older wiser person talk to me on a spiritual level like that; I have no one else. I don't even have a pastor/priest that I can sit down with and cry my heart out, then feel comforting prayer. That's the reality of my life... what I've really been feeling - in spirit.

Now for my dreams...they reveal things to me. I know I'm too old for nightmares, but I have nightmares still sometimes. I had to look up a bunch of religious remedies/prayers/rituals to prevent them from happening, so I could get a good nite's rest. Thank God they have slowed down some.

Other dreams I've had - three dealing with engagement/marriage. 1) choosing the rings - big sparkly diamonds- *note, I don't even like those big diamonds - call me crazy, but I am not that materialistic, and I fell in love with a marquise shaped diamond from Kay Jewelers, even went over there and tried it on in real life (now, that is crazy?)* 2) shopping for a wedding dress and not finding my size - they were all size six, but then I was in a little bitty boutique 3) THE CRAZIEST DREAM - the wedding day, and I couldn't find my dress! My mom had handed me this ugly blue dress that was hideous, because we couldn't find my real big poofy dress. I don't even like big poofy dresses because I got big hips, and I don't want them to look bigger! the whole time in the dream, I was worried about Tony waiting for me at the altar! Other dreams - Thursday night, this was weird... I dreamed I was a ghost. I had died; I don't know how, but came back as a ghost, and I felt this amazing lightness airy feeling, and I was floating...around the mall, going to Dillard's! I was also looking for my friend, Ralph, who I feel I have a real strong soul connection with. So I was a ghost, floating around the Mall, haha - I hope you're finding some humor! Hehehe!



Then last night, I dreamed Tony had quit his good job @ HEB to go flip burgers at McDonald's for $6/hr, and I was so pissed at him! 1st of all, Tony doesn't even like food service, absolutely hates it. 2nd - for $6/hr, and 3rd - he doesn't even like McDonald's that much, so why would he work there? My 14 year old cousin was me, too and we were going to eat Big Macs, when I spotted Tony in a McDonald's uniform.
I woke up, like so relieved that it was just a dream! I'm telling you, I had a crazy week, I hope this next one is better!

Mis Palabras

I have been doing a lot of writing; I'm going to start posting up more poems, so be sure to come back. I have been editing my novella at full force, wiping out chapters and moving onto the next. Making progess. I am proud of myself. I am settled in this year of 2007, praying it works out. I have not bee worried about much lately, just taking every day as it comes, and doing some major relaxing.

The job is going great. It gets boring sometimes, you know being a substitute, because I am not creating lesson plans or actually teaching, just kinda giving out assignments and making sure they work. Can't be any harder than that. There are bad days, but more good days than ever. I've taken advantage of my time and did some writing and enjoyed some interesting books like The Mambo Kings Sing Songs of Love.



Tony was sweet to rent the movie for me, but let me tell you, READ THE BOOK! It's much better!! Always is that way, right?





Speaking of Tony, our relationship is going great. Every day my love grows more and more. I look into his dark romantic eyes, see so much light, and I know in my heart, that's he's being true. We have ups and down, what relationship does not? Through all those downs though, we still see things the way we should, and it only strengthens our relationship. So, I won't take words back or wish something did not happen. He's done so much for me, taking me down roads that have been twisted or narrow or so wide- I cannot decide whether to run in the other direction or pull closer to him, in the end, I feel his warm lips gliding over mine, and there's so much love there, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

We had a fun special Valentine's Day (we even gave out V-Cards with photos of us), we celebrated early. I worked @ the Mall the weekend before, something I do for extra $$$. He showed up w/ a bouquet of flowers, a big gift bag with an extra large pink teddy bear that said "kiss kiss!" a card with our photo and sweet words inside, a box of chocolates, that's all I can remember right now. He took me out to eat for fettucini alfredo - yuuuuuuuum!! I bought him some really nice dress shirts from Dillard's. It was great, our 2nd V-Day together, so all special and sentimental.

We still talk about marriage, he still has not propsed, but I am not rushing it, just ecstatic that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me! :) Ecstatic because he reminds me every few days. Ecstatic because of the change in me- three years ago, i was not man-hating, but i was selfish and did not like the thought of marriage, never thought I'd be where I am today, but here I am, and loving it!! Amazing what happens when we stop thinking of ourselves and leave everything up to God, He blesses us with joy!

I made an important decision a week or two ago, I am going to go ahead and puruse my Master's, here in Victoria. I have to stay here in this area because of my certification, so I might as well take advantage of what is available here. I can get 2 Master's, one in English and one in Comm. in about 2 years at the max. (I am hoping I can do it - grabbing those ganas I used to get my Bachelor's) I talk about pursuing dreams, and going after what we want all the time, well you know what? I am also always talking about living by example, I gotta start walking that talk now.

Something else great is happening - I am falling in love with faith, my roots, I'm going to convert to Catholicism. This is MY decision, not Tony's. Try to convince people that. He's asked me three or four times on a serious note, "Are you serious about this?" Yes, I am serious; I've never felt more at home. I was baptized Catholic after all. Both my grandmothers were Catholic, it's in my blood. Tony's padrino will probably be mine, too. We are going to talk to the priest, and I may be able to get my sacraments as soon as Holy Saturday of this year. I am looking forward to this conversion, because I feel like it will complete me, because it's how I approach God and my savior, Jesus Christ, and I want to approach Him in the most comfortable way possible. I am still learning the ways, and Tony has been so nurturing. I admit - there for awhile, I was "lost" spiritually. Tony kept saying I was growing, but I was battling conflicts. In the end, I've learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart.

"I Am"

Check out my Slide Show!

“One Plan, One Confession, One Loss, One Life, One Heart”

2007 will be a positive year; I am on the right track. I have been positive. One Plan-that I know with God’s grace I will succeed – to be a teacher – be the best teacher that God wants me to be. Everything else – screw it. I will pour out on my heart and soul into the career – this calling – this job that is my mission field. If I am being selfish, I told God to please let me know. There is no greater joy than knowing the difference in the lives of the students that I teach every day. It is not a role that I like to brag about – sometimes it’s a nightmare. Sometimes, it’s a warming fire I keep running toward, knowing that the flames can lash out and burn me, but I keep running with the wind right behind me. Sometimes, I am running against the wind. Sometimes, I fear I will wake up and realize that – I have let life pass me by and I still have no real friends to just grab a drink with or grab a bite with.

I have a confession to make – I am layered –I always come across as this positive optimistic person, but inside I am the most negative fearful person you will meet. A constant battle in my head – serving God or serving myself or just whatever, live for the moment. I am full of confessions – maybe I should become a Catholic to let those confessions out to a priest – maybe I would feel lighter, you think?

I have issues, and I am going to solve them – it’s not just emotions; there are thoughts that go through my mind – mood swings moments when I close my eyes and shut out the light… but it all boils and simmers down to the fact that I know it will pass. Not like a – life-changing or life-ending experience.

I always say that tragedy is so powerful; my favorite topic to write on in English courses. I closed a Shakespeare paper with Juliet’s wail of “O Happy Dagger.” I tried to understand David’s pain when Jonathan died. Tried to understand the loss of a best friend and how can one live? Let me share that tragedy – one of my best friends, Mia, passed away. We were not close in location, but we were close in heart – nothing else matters. We had a bond like sisters, but much stronger because, we pick our friends; we can’t pick our families – just accept the one we have. Something out that free will of choosing her to be my friend and choosing her to confide in. She knew my dreams and my goals – I told her things I had never told anyone. I feel like a part of myself died with her. We were like two sides to a coin – one side shiny – the other needing to be wiped so it could shine again. There were our moments when I would comfort her; we’d giggle on the phone like high school girls having their crushes. Then there were those moments when she would comfort me, always telling me that I kicked ass and I “rocked.” I was flipping through some e-mails, and the tears are still wet. They still fall so freely from my eyes. I am at that point of anger now. Inside my mind, I am screaming at God, why did you take Mia? She was so young! Why? Now, I feel so lost; I can’t pick up the phone and call her. People around me are telling me that she is an angel now, and I need to remember her light and carry that with me for the rest of my life. I am trying…God, I am trying…

Her death helped me realize something… we have one life…therefore, we should do all we can to live it. I am going to write more – seriously, I am. I have signed up for this writer’s workshop group, and I am going to do a Young Adult novella. Life is my muse. I’ll give a hint about the topic… Sometimes, I fall asleep – crying inside – I cry for the dead that I miss; I cry for the living. I cry inside for the innocence that has been tarnished or erased; I cry inside for the broken spirits that God puts in front of me. I cry inside for myself. Because to a certain extend, I can say although I do not say, I know how they feel…

-One heart we are given

-One heart that beats

-Keeps our bodies going

-Keeps our lives moving

-One heart… where the spirit lives…

-That makes the soul come alive.

There’s a quote that reads “Love someone who makes your heart smile.” I love Tony with all my heart and soul, but I must pray that the heart stops bleeding…

More to come in the next chapter of my life...