“One Plan, One Confession, One Loss, One Life, One Heart”

2007 will be a positive year; I am on the right track. I have been positive. One Plan-that I know with God’s grace I will succeed – to be a teacher – be the best teacher that God wants me to be. Everything else – screw it. I will pour out on my heart and soul into the career – this calling – this job that is my mission field. If I am being selfish, I told God to please let me know. There is no greater joy than knowing the difference in the lives of the students that I teach every day. It is not a role that I like to brag about – sometimes it’s a nightmare. Sometimes, it’s a warming fire I keep running toward, knowing that the flames can lash out and burn me, but I keep running with the wind right behind me. Sometimes, I am running against the wind. Sometimes, I fear I will wake up and realize that – I have let life pass me by and I still have no real friends to just grab a drink with or grab a bite with.

I have a confession to make – I am layered –I always come across as this positive optimistic person, but inside I am the most negative fearful person you will meet. A constant battle in my head – serving God or serving myself or just whatever, live for the moment. I am full of confessions – maybe I should become a Catholic to let those confessions out to a priest – maybe I would feel lighter, you think?

I have issues, and I am going to solve them – it’s not just emotions; there are thoughts that go through my mind – mood swings moments when I close my eyes and shut out the light… but it all boils and simmers down to the fact that I know it will pass. Not like a – life-changing or life-ending experience.

I always say that tragedy is so powerful; my favorite topic to write on in English courses. I closed a Shakespeare paper with Juliet’s wail of “O Happy Dagger.” I tried to understand David’s pain when Jonathan died. Tried to understand the loss of a best friend and how can one live? Let me share that tragedy – one of my best friends, Mia, passed away. We were not close in location, but we were close in heart – nothing else matters. We had a bond like sisters, but much stronger because, we pick our friends; we can’t pick our families – just accept the one we have. Something out that free will of choosing her to be my friend and choosing her to confide in. She knew my dreams and my goals – I told her things I had never told anyone. I feel like a part of myself died with her. We were like two sides to a coin – one side shiny – the other needing to be wiped so it could shine again. There were our moments when I would comfort her; we’d giggle on the phone like high school girls having their crushes. Then there were those moments when she would comfort me, always telling me that I kicked ass and I “rocked.” I was flipping through some e-mails, and the tears are still wet. They still fall so freely from my eyes. I am at that point of anger now. Inside my mind, I am screaming at God, why did you take Mia? She was so young! Why? Now, I feel so lost; I can’t pick up the phone and call her. People around me are telling me that she is an angel now, and I need to remember her light and carry that with me for the rest of my life. I am trying…God, I am trying…

Her death helped me realize something… we have one life…therefore, we should do all we can to live it. I am going to write more – seriously, I am. I have signed up for this writer’s workshop group, and I am going to do a Young Adult novella. Life is my muse. I’ll give a hint about the topic… Sometimes, I fall asleep – crying inside – I cry for the dead that I miss; I cry for the living. I cry inside for the innocence that has been tarnished or erased; I cry inside for the broken spirits that God puts in front of me. I cry inside for myself. Because to a certain extend, I can say although I do not say, I know how they feel…

-One heart we are given

-One heart that beats

-Keeps our bodies going

-Keeps our lives moving

-One heart… where the spirit lives…

-That makes the soul come alive.

There’s a quote that reads “Love someone who makes your heart smile.” I love Tony with all my heart and soul, but I must pray that the heart stops bleeding…

More to come in the next chapter of my life...